genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
