the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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