Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
