He passed out mid-signature
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
