guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
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