do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
