The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
