i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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