Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
