Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My vagina is officially offended.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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