we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
