I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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