i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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