Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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