my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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