i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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