I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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