apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
