we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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