never play flip cup with pint glasses
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
