Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
