I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
zippers are such a cool invention
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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