I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
