sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
