I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
