i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
