I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
