i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
