I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
