I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
