i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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