Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
