I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
