Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
