I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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