ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
