my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
