Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
