So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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