I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
