The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
