Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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