Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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