Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
