I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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