Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
