you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
