I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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