So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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