WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
