My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My feet surprised me
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