If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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