what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
