please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
