were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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