u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
