like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you didnt know i had herpes?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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